I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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