I think I died a long time ago.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Let's get the cat blown out
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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