dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
