Nicole vs. Life
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
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he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
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Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
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