I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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