well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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