I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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