I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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