I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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