OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
