GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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