My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
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I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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