i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
