Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
