Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My cat gives me a boner
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
