He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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