I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
