There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
