Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
