So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
