he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
