Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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