There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
