I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
