My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
