Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
