it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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