i think my tv is drunk
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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