life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
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I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
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Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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