thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
she peed on how many people?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
