In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
