I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I wish there were birth control emojis
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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