Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
40s are totally the cure
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm sobbing to NWA
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
