I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
