Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
