I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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