My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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