He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
