so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
