I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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