Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
