u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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