And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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