im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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