God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
sex in a hospital.. check
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
