areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
