im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize