I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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