I am spending my child support on dildos
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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