LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
