I wish I could punch you in the face.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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