If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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