i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
