I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
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You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
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I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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