Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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