Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
