I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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