you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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