I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
